The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.