hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way