*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
i will not be silenced
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?