You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
You Might Also Like
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Monday Lisa
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Worth the read.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”