If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
i will avenge u mr van gogh
58.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
White Castle for the Win
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.