opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
as is their right
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*