My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
You Might Also Like
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I am a gravy boat captain
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
We’re all getting idioter.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me