The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
You Might Also Like
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.