I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.