her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,