Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
This is my emotional support knife.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.