My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything