After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Is….Is this an option?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat