I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.