OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid