What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
It was worth a shot 😂
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.