Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Stop being racist to kettles.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.