My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You Might Also Like
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium