Hey i am sexy to you now
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected