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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
kids play hide and seek like
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Cats are still liquid.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot