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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Important reminders