My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Breaking news:
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.