I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
the three branches of government
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”