My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Need WebMD
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir