I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My blood type is coffee.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.