Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
😅🤣😂
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
How do you like your Corgi?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no