Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
School be like
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Clients after you give them your rates
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.