no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Cool shirt 🙂
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.