Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.