ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Duck typos.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.