Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
this independent good boy don’t need no human
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later