There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.