How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
look at me when i’m typing to you
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same