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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
adding to the discourse
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.