I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.