Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.