Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.