Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness