I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle