My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
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*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes