I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
u spoke cat all this time??????
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.