Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
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Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*