I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.