Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.