I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My dog ate my work from home.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.