[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Lmao
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”