*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.