65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa