[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
quarantine day 3
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox