We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.